burnout.md

"hey, that burnout thing could never happen to me, I'll be good to go. I love doing what I do, why would I ever get tired of doing it?"

I never thought burnout was a real thing, you know. For the longest time, I lived my life thinking the above. However, mid-July this summer, I found out what true burnout really is and how it can affect anyone.

Burnout is a feeling of wanting to work towards your goals but being compelled to stay put, and ignore them entirely. You wake up every morning knowing what must be done and yet, you lay in bed until the afternoon, play videogames, watch movies, go out with friends- everything you would normally have put aside to get your stuff done first. It's all about balance, right? Well, when you lean too hard into your work (like I did), burnout creeps up on you ever so swiftly and silently, taking over your mind and actions until you get a chance to reset.

while awake:
    work()
    if burnout_imminent:
        break

I've been working on Crux Planner for 8 or so months now, and when I wasn't able to land an internship this summer, I decided to go all in on it. My friends, family, and colleagues all believed in my ability to bring this thing to life, so I did. As of today, Crux is in an amazing place- all that's left to do is marketing really. What I didn't know going all in on this idea in May was the effects it would have on my mental health. All I would think about and work on day in day out was the code and infrastructure for Crux. I was able to keep this up for two and a half months, then reality hit. All of a sudden I didn't want to work on it anymore, but I also did want to at the same time. It felt like 'Get Out', where a person gets trapped in their mind, while their body does what they don't want it to do. Some days I would have the energy to continue my work, others I didn't. And this lack of energy solely came from the burnout, I didn't have a job or other things to stress about that would cause me to lose focus or not have the will to work on Crux.

I never expected burnout to happen to me, nor take shape like this. I thought that maybe I was tired of fixing bugs and making new features for Crux, so I decided to work on another project. I built a Veo 3 video generator- cheaper than the competition at the time. Deploying this project and marketing it could've been a very fruitful endeavor, but the burnout hit again. I got that project to 85% and quit due to a lack of will and energy to get it to 100% completion. It scares me how burnout acts as an uncontrollable, somewhat unpredictable force that simply appears when you fail to take breaks and maintain a proper work-life balance.

Now that I've been through it all, I've learned the importance of balance- not just putting myself in full-throttle towards work, but ensuring that I make time for other things no matter how much I don't want to. It's not worth it to keep starting things, get them to 80-90% completion, then give up due to a lack of will or energy.

If you're experiencing burnout right now, know that you're not alone, and the feeling is temporary. You’re not lazy. You’re depleted. Rest is part of the work- especially if you want to keep loving what you do. I still believe in Crux. I still love learning and building. I’m just learning to protect the part of me that makes all of that possible.